Morning Musings……

I know why my kids are acting up. I’ve made mistakes I hope I can rectify those mistakes in the next 4 to five years.

See I can change me….I can’t force my kids to change… but I can show them.. the rest.. its up to them.

 

There’s a reason the state calls itself “Parens Patraie” or the father of its nations children… and I’m talking about myself here… I’ve sat back and allowed myself to become “friends” with my kids, abdicating my role as a parent.

 

A good lesson to keep in mind and one I have allowed myself to forget – perhaps most of us have.

The government is not our friend – neither should we be our children’s friend. We are there to provide food, shelter, education be it a scholarly education, teach our children how to behave in public and in social situations, not like monkeys in a zoo throwing shit at passersby. To practice self-control and restrain by practicing it ourselves. To teach our children the value of work through chores – and that often the work we do comes at no pay other than room/board and meals & to be grateful – Because there will be time that employment will be scarce and they can’t be too good to work for food, a bath and a roof over their heads. Being humble is important.

 

Children grow like weeds, but that doesn’t mean they just grow themselves. Sometimes I wish they would… grow themselves…  That said, I think that after 15 years (of growing) there are some things that I shouldn’t have to yell any more – like “Please for the love of god don’t throw your used blood tampon in the floor”… “Roll that bloody bastard up and throw it in the trash can”… “Yes in the trashcan”… “This is not a truck stop bathroom you idgit!”

MY children know details about my life that others don’t and have offered me more unconditional love than I’ve ever experienced.

In the last four and a half years my kids fought to comprehend what the hell is going on… I divorced, took over my parents care, used my kids as support as many single parents make the mistake of doing. Kids bounce back as we’re so fond of saying and they do – bounce back. They understood the divorce. They’ve never liked me taking care of my parents and that’s reasonable – You can’t tell people you don’t like them and then be offended that they don’t like you and abhor your presence in their lives. The mistake came in when I began leaning on them for my emotional support. When I cried because of my exhaustion I used their shoulders to lean on. When I wondered how I should handle my day, I asked my 10 and 12-year-old to help me plan my day and manage my money – I had just gotten back on track in the past 6 years with myself and here I was on my second rodeo with my parents. Taking care of two adults, making sure my brother was being taking care of taking care of my two kids – I was mentally exhausted.

They’ve totally flouted my rules when I try to punish them… after all now… in their yes we’re equals. They have ignored my requests – And that was my first mistake – I requested – I didn’t require – and I requested as one would do with a friend – an equal – a peer.

And of COURSE they rebelled against me when I’ve been trying to get them to help out with chores or adhere to household rules…. Me in a nutshell –

I’m MOM, not their buddy… and I’ve allowed that intimacy to become my strongest source of support and encouragement –  and in doing so I have made a huge burden on my children.

So no wonder they rebel so much… Against who they perceive as a friend… in their eyes I’m no better than a bully… I’m just bigger after all they see me as a “peer” and “equal”. Because I’ve made my kids my friends – and I have… I really have ….Friends never remind you that there’s homework to do, or dishes, or anything else that might feel unpleasant (like taking out the trash and picking up dirty pads and tampons – I mean who do they think does that to keep the bathroom STANK ASS free? The Bloody Tampon Fairy?). And because I have taken on a “we’re equals” approach to parenting, I’ve created a situation where my child expects me to act like their buddy.

 

And the moment I don’t—because I’m asking them to do something or holding them answerable with clear approaches to correction and punishment – I’m the bully, I’m the bad guy… this is when they go off on a tangent, throwing hissy fits and getting wild hairs up their asses and honestly half of that is clearly my fault and I’m to blame – I’m supposed to be friendly, but I’m not supposed to be their BEST FRIEND –

 

Best friends don’t pay for the outfit they lust for at Rue21 for their end of the year 8th grade trip that they wouldn’t pay for themselves (even if they had the money). Best friends don’t pay for them to hang out at the park with friends. Best friends don’t remind them how they carried them in their body and gave them life, and sometimes made them vomit the whole nine months along with swollen feet! Best friends don’t still keep choosing you when it would just be so much easier to terminate their relationship with you and walk away in moments you have cut them to the bone with hateful words. In the end Moms won’t be your friend, but she will always be your mom – she may not like how you act, what you say or what you do – she may not love any of those things – but she loves you. Best friends don’t tell you that you should listen to them about their life experience tales and look out for those signs in your life experience and try to avoid those same mistakes and that as long as you don’t pay rent and live in their house their word is law and you just live there.

 

 

The last year has had a lot of ups and downs. A lot of that has been because the order and structure of my life has went out the window. I thrive on order – My kids have thrived on the order that I have often, though haphazardly provided to the best of my ability.

But it’s getting better – I am learning that instead of throwing my hands in the air and saying that I don’t know what to do – I really do KNOW what to do. I always did.

Say no. I am your mother. I am responsible for you. Then walk away.

I’m avoiding rewards – rewards and allowances  are for when you go above and beyond the call of duty. And rewards/allowances don’t have to be in place for chores and responsibilities to be learned and done. Additionally, it gives me time to converse and spend time with my kids and help boost their self-esteem/confidence in healthy positive ways – Instead of trying to buy them off with materialistic things. Just to avoid dealing with teenage drama and hormones.

I know I can be a little extreme – But that’s the price you pay when your kids – as little people in their own right make their own choices on being responsible – case in point – My 15-year-old ran me ragged as “water girl” for the football team one year. She forgot, left, needed everything. I was literally “gophering”  every thing she didn’t take responsibility for until I blew my bat shit crazy lid.

Then it dawned on me – I did this to myself. I could have easily said no. Sure I would have been the mean mommy. The mommy that didn’t care. The cruel mommy.

Here’s the thing.. I come from neglected stock – as some of us do and I know how gossipy we can be – I mean aren’t we all at times? Come on no shame – we are. I didn’t want to be looked at like I have looked at other moms and I judge them based on how I take care of my kids – what I do for mine… how far I am willing to go, what I am willing to put up with – and trust me – Parenting is a full-time job.. a lot of parents TERMINATE AND BAIL.

We all know them, some of us have been married to them, some of them have been our family – and we’re determined – do or die to be better – to do better.

At the same time we’ve become socially conditioned to believe that our children can’t mentally/emotionally handle disappointment from their own choices – not ours – theirs. We’re parents – Not Gods – Not Super Powers – Not Saints –  No matter how old we get or our kids get we’ll still be making mistakes Hopefully we’ll just not be making shit ass choices just for spite like our kids do…

Our kids have textbook info – what they don’t have is practical information and they comprehend plenty – just not in a practical applicable manner..

We run ourselves ragged keeping them “entertained” constantly in every imaginable activity – Why? And it’s not because we have disposable income, hell nearly everyone one of us are stretching our limits as it is,  dipping into our rainy day fund to keep us going when things might otherwise go ass up. I think we think that we must keep our kids entertained or else they wont be able to survive.. whatever happened to learning to get used to themselves, learning to be responsible all day for just yourself?

I’m glad none of my kids made the team for any of this extra curricular activity bullshit thru the summer. I can’t afford it and I’m not running a chauffeur service.

I’ve begun to realize that my grandma was right – She wouldn’t cater to my wants very often and I’m applying that logic to my own kids –

if I keep making sure they get everything they want without any  giving on their part, they will expect the world outside of mommas house to treat them the same and we all know it’s not gonna happen. When they grow up and head out on their own, that sting of harsh reality will stop them in their tracks, they’ll wonder why I didn’t prepare them.

Because essentially that’s my job.I set the standard.

People who won’t cave in to the hissy fits, or teachers at high school or college who can’t be coerced into being lenient with inadequate coursework because “Well, I know she is capable, but she is so polite and pretty”.  My home is Basic Training for the world beyond these walls. The rules and expectations I demand set the stage for how well my kids behave and how well they will adjust to expectations outside of mine when things don’t go their way.

 

As Parents peace at any cost isn’t peace.

 

With a good, solid adult friendships with women I trust, I’ve been able to thrive as both a parent and as an individual – I want to say thank you. All three of you. You are helping me be a better mom.

 

 

You know who you are

Thought Catalog

1. Falling in Love

Now don’t get me wrong, falling in love is arguably the end goal of any budding relationship. It’s one of the few, truly important experiences in this world, and it’s the only surefire way of ending your loneliness and, possibly, of making sense of the human condition. Yet, by falling in love and saying “I love you,” you’re making yourself immensely vulnerable and setting up a possibly unequal dynamic if your significant other doesn’t feel the same way. A couple falling in love is a beautiful thing, it just becomes infinitely trickier — and potentially catastrophic — when one falls in love far before the other is ready. That’s not to say don’t fall in love, just communicate honestly, and, if your significant other is as much of a gem as you had hoped, they’ll be honest back. Whether they’re ready to commit to you as…

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Why Thrice Married & Divorced Women, Rarely Remarry

Sometimes women have learned you just can’t remarry. You have to accept that you have this really wonderful, sexy, sweet, great man. But marriage never need to be a part of that equation. At least not again.
You have this part of your life that you have already spent, doing and being married; having that married life.

Some marriages start off pretty swell and just go south. It’s not always because either person has a big deep dark secret or is covering up a big problem they aren’t dealing with in the relationship, sometimes, they marry out of need, rather than want – they marry out of expecting someone to fix them or to be fixed – because they believe themselves to need someone to be whole. Going around feeling as if they are always half, rather than a full person, they think they are empty.

So, do I believe that marriage is off the table for everyone?

No, but it is for me.

That said, I believe if you were to discount someone due to more than one divorce, you might just be missing out on something exceptional. After all, I have learned three ways NOT to be married! It’s been a learning experience on how I should treat the man in my life. Always forever OPTIMISTIC. And do we discount people who have been involved in numerous LTCR’s? Or had multiple live-in relationships that held over for a period of time, but then fell through? No? So why discount when the relationship comes with the stigma of a marriage and divorce certificate? You don’t know anymore about the issues affecting the relationship when it’s a divorce than you do when no one married anyone else.

YOU DEFINE YOU. Self Esteem isn’t about how others make you feel. It’s about what you do for you, how you define you. How you feel about yourself.
When we choose people to become intimate with, our lovers/partners/boyfriends/girlfriends; remember it’s these people that we choose who already AFFIRM what we already believe about ourselves, who we are, what we are and what we want to become, so it makes good sense to “Love ourselves”. And learn to. When you can love yourself, nurture, give yourself your own self-esteem, sooth yourself, you can be emotionally balanced. You won’t be leaning on your partner so much that you are expecting him to stabilize you and give you balance, because you have your own balance.

I think we as women have been taught that we should look for our “better halves”. We shouldn’t. We aren’t halves of a whole, we are already whole. This “half” thing signifies that we’re somehow incomplete. Two whole people comprise a relationship, because we are two whole people. We aren’t two people joined at the hip, or the damned brained, or a pair of Siamese twins. A relationship is not a twin relationship. We aren’t meant to think alike, or behave the same. When we are balanced we don’t have to worry about stability, we can know that when we do lean on our partner we won’t have to worry about pushing him off balance or being pushed off balance.

Let me say something about needs. So many people will say don’t have a relationship with someone who says they need you because needs come from being weak and empty. Sometimes, people are truly nothing but empty vacuums of neediness and weakness – Their traits & issues will be ones that you will find you cannot tolerate and if you do tolerate them the relationship won’t last for long and you’ll usually find yourself miserable. I work out my own issues with myself. And everyone brings baggage from their past. Everyone. But we don’t have to live our new relationships as we lived our former ones. Some people have no idea how to deal with their emotional and mental baggage from their past. And here’s the thing, other people can’t do it for them, not their friends, families or lovers. Expecting a lover, boyfriend/partner/girlfriend to sort out your hangups and baggage issues is unfair and it won’t make your relationship strong,  it will however kill it – This is what a Qualified Mental Health Professional is for – hell if all you need to do is vent to someone about your life to someone who when you leave after your hour is up, you know isn’t going to do anything but help you learn how to fix yourself, and make better choices.. their job isn’t to be your friend.

I love to be desired, but I don’t want to be a burden to my boyfriend either because I am dependent on him for every emotional, sexual, mental physical and financial need. So I choose not to be a “helpless female” who needs “a man to take care of her”. I can take care of myself. But I appreciate, respect, all my man does for me. He doesn’t “have” to do anything, he does what he wants when he wants, because I am not a helpless female vacuum sucking the life and energy out of him – I am not a dependent he has to “take care of”.

It makes a difference, because he doesn’t  end up regretting what he does and he can “CHOOSE” when or if he does anything. He doesn’t have to do anything at all. Freedom is everything.
All of these wordy clichés such as “Love conquers all”, and “With love, all things are possible.” After you have been married and divorced, even once, you can find yourself drawn to the ones that make more sense, such as “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy [relationships].” Because the same is true for a long term committed relationship, you don’t have to remarry again.

Once you get involved with someone to the time you end and yet begin another relationship you will never again hear the end about how much relationships are something to be “tolerated”, a “problem” to be solved, and some kind of ordeal to be “endured”. You get this from T.V., to newspapers and random avenues of media to friends and family. You hear that relationships are a “fragile” things, “barely tolerable things”. Most of the people that you have known that are or have been married talk about marriage as if they barely escaped with their lives!

Why in the world would you want to subject yourself to something that horrible? Just makes no fucking sense! Right? When I think about the three times I got married, every time I said my vows, I always said the same damn thing “ for better or worse”… well how not ”for the best”?

Life is always gonna throw shit at me, that’s a given and I’m not gonna tuck my tail and run out, but it’d be great to marry someone “For the Best”.
Let me say this… I’ve been married and divorced three times, marriage has a way of maturing even the most die-hard big grown up kid – Not that there isn’t times to be a kid, but life within a relationship will mature you –

I know so.

A Long Term Committed Relationship that has ingredients you can keep remolding as the relationship changes and grows, its pleasurable, vibrant, unexpected and exciting. It’s better than buying a car, because it will APPRECIATE in VALUE and it will return in age.
I’m saying that to say this.
Many people believe you cannot without the “preacher and marriage license” have a satisfying, unanticipated, vivacious, stimulating Long Term Committed Relationship. But a “preacher and a license does not a relationship and a commitment make.

You see, loving someone is easy. It’s not an emotion that you can teach, it comes from how you treat yourself and how someone else treats you, that’s how you learn what love is. It’s in how you feel. How you are being treated and how you treat yourself is how also you kill love. Love is a passionate emotion, which is sometimes passive, flaring up or down based on how you are treated. The things you need to know how to do is to teach yourself the skills of relationships, particularly your Long Term Committed Relationship.

You can NEVER change someone else. The only person you can CHANGE is YOU. The only person you should change for is you, because that’s where change matters and works for is for you. This is the person it matters to the most. After that, solving other problems fall into place.

Loving is easy. It is an enigmatic and reflexive emotion. Nobody can show you how to love, how to kill love off, or how to recapture love if you come to an end in your relationship. But you can, and you had better, teach yourself the skills of relationships. You have got to learn how to like yourself, soothe yourself, nurture yourself and validate your own damn self. Trust me, you gotta do all of this shit for yourself, on your own damn time FIRST – You can’t be out there depending on finding Mr. Right – You’re other HALF, Your Prince Charming to make you fucking WHOLE.. Goddammit you gotta be a whole fucking female or you can’t have a whole fucking relationship with a whole goddamn man because you’ll only ever be half of a woman. And you’ll be trying to always fix yourself, thinking that there is something wrong with him and the relationship… and you’d be right… but the problem will be with you because you think that you need to be HALF… When you need to be a whole person. You can’t go into a relationship with the attitude that someone else will complete you and make you validated, or will fix your problems… All this you gotta do.

You see at the end of the day, your LTCR is not about getting something — it’s about giving it.

Oddly as it may seem, men comprehend this more than us females do. In all probability since for them a LTCR comprises forfeiting their most valued possession – their cock, i.e., freedom; I’m sure it’s a bit diverse for every man, but those are two I can name right off the bat — and for us, it’s the zenith of every woman’s own different fantasy and reality. Trust me, we’re all different. If even on the surface we appear to be similar.

My man is the perfect man…make no bones about it. I know he’ll love me when I don’t deserve it and he knows that I’ll love him just the same. He farts out loud (but then so do I, just not when he can hear) eats in bed and I eat with him, he’s messy and I have organized chaos (so really I can’t complain) and a bit on the lazy side after work (he works hard and deserves to be the King of his Castle and to do as he likes when he gets off work and comes home), but he is his own man and I don’t want him to be anything other than who he is. I give my love to him because of who he is… I wouldn’t have him any other way.

He is EXACTLY who I want. I made have made a practice of being caring, profound, honorable, straightforward, generous, and where it counts the most, uncomplaining of my own laziness, my own farts, my own messiness, my own eating in bed…I found what I’ve been looking for.

Let’s talk about Sex for a little bit… this plays a big part here. You need good sex. Some simple wisdom here… Sex is natural, superficial and unsupportive because its main drive is to reproduce; even if some of us like myself can’t have children anymore and we do it because it feels good.

If you have a “Fifty Shades of Grey” expectation out of your sex life or you think it should be suggestive of your favorite porn vid or hardcore erotic novel that packs a good punch that very few people ever get… you should accept that good sex is about the same as becoming a good cook and finding the kinds of foods you enjoy is an acquired taste and a something of a developed palate.

You should read, watch, think, discuss and experiment with the person you are in a Long Term Committed Relationship with. Even great erotic sex comes with a little anxiety. You can’t wait till you aren’t at all anxious before you introduce eroticism into your sex life. When sex becomes routine and doesn’t have a little bit of anxiousness to it, things get boring. For you and him.

If you have children from prior relationships (or you end up with children between the two of you)  you will obviously become a family of sorts – You don’t need a marriage certificate and preacher for that. Life and a relationship does that for you.
Don’t forget that you two are two people who are a couple, who need time to be just that, LOVERS – boyfriend & girlfriend.Your relationship will be the foundation for whatever you make of what you have between the two of you and the children you have together, the family that you are slowly becoming and don’t DELUDE yourself, you are becoming a family.

This will be your strength and your weakness – the kids here, once they know this relationship, out of all of the others they have seen pass by they will have learned and are learning mind you what constitutes relationships. All of the good and all of the bad. Your kiddos will learn who to be and who not to be, how to treat themselves and someone else, how to parent and how to treat their own children should they choose to procreate.

Some of the most important things you can do is cherish your Long Term Committed Relationship within your other relationships and preserve the boundaries around your relationship as a couple.

And if you work on your relationship all of the time – always working on your own things as well as relationship things, you will find that when you think of losing your Significant Other, you feel an exquisite and enriching pain in your soul, at just the thought!

It just means that you have finally succeeded at your objective with a partner and gracefully so. For that is the only kind of heartache we should ever have, the only kind we should ever wish upon another.

The FairyTale Future that Never Was

It’s no secret that romantic love just doesn’t stand the test of TIME. There are different periods of love. The kind where dopamine floods your body and you get the willies & butterflies & you rush to spend time with each other. Then oxytocin replaces dopamine and you feel a deep sense of trust, familiarity and love for your Significant Other but the passion begins to wane. And by the time you’ve been together long enough (okay I will never be that comfortable, my poopy time will always be private when I am with someone) to take random poops with the bathroom door open and the smell can waft down the hallway you’ve started to surf with your eyes, then your emotions and your body and start bringing your fantasies to life occasionally.

Sometimes,of course, you will hold them back, simply because you do give a damn about your relationship and you do still get the dopamine and the oxytocin when you are with him or with her and lastly we have this deep seated right/wrong compass within us that tells us that we should do – at least the majority of us do  – that we shouldn’t play out our fantasies with anyone else but our partners. But what are we to do when the spark just isn’t there?

We are chemical creatures.

So do we just plod aimlessly along hoping that it will arise from the ashes like a Phoenix? No I rather believe we engage in our relationships outside of our romantic ones and bring that passion back to our lover, our romantic relationship.

I’m not saying that we take up an affair or start cheating – In fact I’m dead set against that sort of thing.

What I am suggesting is explore ourselves – date ourselves (and at some point in time re-date our partners or Significant Others do the things we did that we were doing that brought on all of that dopamine and oxytocin – you know the butterflies and the willies?) and remember who we are aside from our romantic pairing; we rekindle our friendships with our friends –  girlfriends have a night out and guys have a guys night and get away from the stress of being with our romantic partner 24/7 – It just isn’t healthy. It breeds more stress and restlessness. And also, rekindle some alone time and get to know who ourselves are, spend some time alone doing things we enjoy. ALONE, read on the toilet while we poop, with the door open. 🙂 Have a midnight margarita while playing Hearthstone, all of them give me heartburn but its worth it to play, scream and holler & cuss that its not fair when I don’t win.. but hell I get to relax.

Talk to people you don’t know – Just for the hell of it.

I’m defining my commitment to a Significant Other that celebrates and values him as the top person in my relationship, he’s my primary person, but I don’t need to live with him for him to know where he stands with me. My family, my friends and acquaintances and others outside of him and us that are beneath him in the pyramid of my relationship structure of my life.

I live alone (with my kids).

There’s some things that have already been decided for me for my future; With my parents failing health and as their POA, Health Care Surrogate & Medical POA they’ll be living with me at some point. It’s a given. Not right now and I don’t know when, but I’m prepared for it when that time does come. They don’t have anyone to take care of them or help them with things and that responsibility lies with me. It would be difficult for Myself and a Partner/Significant Other to tackle children, our needs as both individuals and a couple and my parents for which there are many. There are some things which need to be dealt with separately because of it’s benefit to the whole.

I enjoy my freedom as a divorced single woman. I’m in a committed relationship, but that doesn’t negate the fact that I need to have alone time outside of my relationship. Sure it’s selfish, but then aren’t we all?

Well,  we need to be. We all need to be just a little bit selfish and take care of our own needs as adults. Have our own “me” time for ourselves, eat our own cheeseburger by ourselves and not have to share with the kids, or our S.O., do things by ourselves or with our own set of friends or family – take care of ourselves, so when we do give our time, our all to others, we can give without feeling that we’re cheating ourselves or that the people we’re giving our time to doesn’t appreciate us for what we are doing. It keeps us from feeling taken advantage of and keeps us as women from being Narcissistic bitches.

And lets be real here – We’re all bitches – every last one of us, but we’re not all narcissistic. That’s a whole different class of Bitch right there.

When I give myself, my time to someone I am giving my all to that person – I’m giving of myself in such a way that I’m fulfilled in what I am doing, I’m happy and I’m not over stressed (though sometimes the kids stress me out but what parent isn’t?) but I’m not doing things in which I’ve not given to myself first. I’m doing things that make me happy, to do them, whether it’s cleaning or washing clothes, cooking a meal, buying groceries, caulking a tub, or sweeping and mopping floors –  Sure it benefits someone else, but it PLEASES me to PLEASE someone else. I’ve made myself HAPPY.

This is my Woman Cave – The FemDen, not to be confused with FemDom, it’s not. Hey have a laugh here.. hehehe hahaha

I don’t live in the lap of luxury, but it’s my little sanctuary. Organized Chaos.

Hanging out in my underwear on my porch, wrapped up in a blanket reading a book while its cold as a well diggers tail. Yes I know how that seems but I often have a hot flashes so a lot comes off and I wrap up and then I unwrap – Ladies if you have this plight, you know what I mean.

Sleeping on the couch whenever I want to. There’s only the three of us and it takes a couple of weeks just to make a pile of dirty laundry.. I can afford to wash when I want to or wash what I want and avoid the rest – it’s my house. Doing housework in my boxers and not putting on makeup until I want to. Drinking straight from the carton in the fridge or eating from whatever bowl or container it came in. Eating from the pan I cooked in so I don’t have to dirty up a plate. Telling the kids to eat from the pan and just use a spoon or a fork. All three of us hanging out in the kitchen over the stove with forks and bread.. who gets to do that? Bringing the pan to the couch and eating here. Spooning cream cheese icing straight out of the tub, drinking condensed milk from the can. Whats not to love?

I live alone so there’s no proper manners I have to worry about – no one I have to impress, and trust me here I’m not going to – I never have – I’m not saying I don’t have any manners. My grandma instilled in me plenty – But dammit I’m at home, I’m going to unwind and relax. I’m taking my shoes off and I’m gonna be comfortable.

Listening to Mumford and Sons, Godsmack, Ugly Kid Joe, Nickelback and Creed introducing my kids to SevenMaryThree and the BlackKeys, shaking my ass while mopping the floor while Luke Bryan sings “Country Girl Shake it for Me”.

Watching “Don’t Tell Mom The BabySitter’s Dead”, “Pulp Fiction” & “Full Metal Jacket”, “NatGeo”, watching their shows, they like “Criminal Minds” , especially “Penelope and Garcia” and being a mom for them. Doing things with them, so I can have time for me.

Here’s the thing…the fairytale has never been real, it was only an of EXPECTATION of  “should” and it never was,  and facing up to the fact that a Significant Other  –  will only fulfill one corner of my mental, emotional, romantic and sexual needs, negates the fact that I’m a Whole person, not just one corner of a person. Just as he is a whole person.

That one person won’t be able to fulfill all of them and it’s really unfair to expect him to be everything for me. I can’t be everything for him. He has to be his own whole man too.

I take responsibility in taking care of many of those needs myself; emotional, mental, romantic and sexual needs. And it’s good to have my solidarity, my separateness, my alone time, to fulfill – to take care of those needs on my OWN – It doesn’t mean that whomever I choose to be with, it doesn’t mean that I am not his partner. We’re just more together apart than we ever could be together – 24/7.

When I give him my time, when I go stay with him, I’m not living with him – I still have my own place –  I’m giving him my everything, my all. Every part of me. I know it’s, loved, cherished and appreciated

SouthernFried Road Kill & Other Fly on the Wall Mother Moments

Do what works.

Every other momma has her own bunch of crappy days sometimes so fuckin off the wall different and sometimes eccentrically the same.  Think of these sister Mothers where ever you are in the biosphere when you’ve had an extraordinarily shitty day and you can’t stop bawling your eyes out. Yes, you do this and I do it all of the time too – well not every day but enough that I’m writing about this shit.

Let your kids sleep where ever they fall, when they’re little in their car seat for the love of GOD (do it just once, you’ll thank me later), when their older on the couch, make a pallet on the floor (now you don’t feel so bad because it doesn’t matter so much) – where ever they will sleep –Like right now, I’m alternating between the loveseat and my bed… and Hannah is between her bed and the living room floor (can’t stand sleeping with her leggy sister)…Who the fuck cares… she sleeps and I sleep. All three of us sleep. Peacefully.

As their mom, seriously who the fuck am I disappointing if I don’t slave over a hot stove making Betty Crocker Meals from scratch – Who do these people think I am? June Cleaver? – I Microwave those bastards – and most-times it relieves my stress to stove top cook…Atta Girl… I do what works for me, I ain’t no cookie cutter gal.

But I usually don’t deny myself the pure, simple easiness of it all – I have a habit of being a “Stubborn Fucker”;it’s not the best way to be but it gets me there –  I’ve learned that  it really IS okay to make things easier for yourself. Not all of the time, but sometimes. So yes, anything worth doing is worth doing right – NOT HARDER.

About doing things Harder and Worrying… when things aren’t Okay……….

Take time to yourself.  You’re kids know when you are NOT okay… they can do better work than the FBI and trust me than can sense when mommy IS NOT approachable. It’s okay to want to be away from your kids and needing time away from them is perfectly okay. You need to be sane… and HAPPY. Ask for help…This is my BIGGEST problem… anyone who knows me will tell you this. I’m stubborn as the day is long and I constantly worry. Don’t – Don’t worry about what is, what has been and what ain’t got here yet. Clearly

When it comes to eating and sleeping with kids, who really gives a fly blown fuck?

You’re a MOM – WOW… Trust me, you will learn (trial and error) to know what is best.

When they get bigger they are not gonna starve if they live off of cereal for a week in insubordination to the powers that be…, i.e. that is you “Mommy Dearest” over what you fixed for dinner just because they have growing taste buds that now don’t like your cooking and they are too damn lazy to either A: cook for their own damn selves(you did take the time to teach your kids a little bit of food preparation..right? Or are they so totally dependent on you they can’t fix a sandwich and a glass of milk by themselves and clean up?), or B: Eat it or C: FUCKING STARVE and D: be FUCKING THANKFUL THEY GOT FOOD.

You are not alone. And you are not a SHITTY mom.

Ask your Significant Other for help. If you two are more than just fuck buddies, then chances are she/he knows your kiddos, they’ll eventually show more than a passing interest in your kids and if they have kiddos then it’s highly likely that you both show more than a passing interest in each others kiddos – But they can’t help you when you don’t speak up – They aren’t mind readers. You gotta speak up.

Ask.

Kiddos aren’t a Rocket Ship –Unless they need 24 hour medical care – don’t go bat shit crazy telling them how to take care of your precious cargo – chances are YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW, how your Significant Other cares for your kiddos & theirs and that should be enough and if you do need to say anything – Then say it and be done with it. Don’t be a fuckin goddamn harpy. They’ll watch Family Guy, American Dad and South Park, play Team Fortress 2, Portal & Portal 2, Alice the Madness Returns, Black Ops & Call of Duty 2, Amnesia and eat pizza and Chinese Food and they will live.

Then do whatever it is you need to do.

Don’t clean. Yes… I said it… the forever dirty word. Worse than fuck and goddamn rolled into one.

My house is going to be messy – Oh well and who cares. If you don’t like it, well don’t come over… no one asked to look at this messy fuckin place now did they? Don’t let that door hit you where MOTHER NATURE SPLIT YOU.

Admitting is the FIRST STEP…

Admit to your best friend that having kids was not all buttons and bows (and no that is not the tableware).They exist (Who are we kidding?) so that you can undo the mistakes that you made as a teenager and re-create better socialized productive human beings out of the fruit of your loins and scream at the top of your lungs – “Jesus FUCKINGCHRIST, SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY! I don’t care what so-& so’s mother did with your best friend,  I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND’S MOTHER – I’M YOUR GODDAMN MOTHER – DO NOT ASK ME ANOTHER FUCKIN TIME”;  While you silently steam just waiting for them to ask you,

ONE.

MORE.

TIME.

They exist so you can admit, shamelessly I must add here, that you let your kiddos stay up all night long and sleep all day just so you could get in several hours of homework and not have to listen to them whine about not having anything to do and wanting to go somewhere and all of the “whys” and “we never get anything” and some days you turn on the security, retreat to your room and sleep all day long.

–Why? Why do I do this? First of all because I fucking can goddammit. I know they will be safe – They can cook to a degree for themselves… And there is a reason why I have a security system, I chose to live this way and have these amenities so I could do the things I wanted and I need to be able to be home and away in the next room from my kids at the same time… so FUCK OFF. Don’t you choose to live your way?

Look, I sure as hell don’t know it all, but I do learn something better every day – And I’m not doing ALL of it ALL wrong – and I’ve made many mistakes along the way, but I do better as I learn better. But then again don’t we all?

I don’t spend my time trying to find out what I am supposed to do with reading every blog and journal and manual on kiddos, there’s a lot of conflicting info out there from aspiring minds, grandparents, aunts & uncles, families to the trial and error and wisdom of parenting Pro’s and Degreed PH.D’s alike – there’s all kinds of different stuff that works here and there but no one thing that works implicitly for every kid & their parent(s) every time.  Everyone is different and everyone is the same– I know am doing just fine… and here’s the thing sister Moms – So are you.

Peace & Smiles